The last three days have been challenging. The kidney pain has been cycling between feeling so-so and feeling painful. Nothing I've observed points to any one thing initiating the increases of pain. It continues however, to follow the pattern of intense bouts of nausea. It could just be coincidental, but I'll keep paying attention to that.
I have noticed that I'm feeling more tired, more often. I know my sleep is screwed up, and that a good night of sleep for me is now five solid hours. Despite these things, I just feel tired all over, almost all of the time. It is getting harder to keep my thoughts in a good place. I am still successful every day; but it is starting to take more focus.
Speaking of that, I've had a couple of people telling me to be careful about propping myself up to everyone as if I'm trying to show the world that I'm so awesome and stoic...Like...Captain Amazing! :o)
I don't know that I really explain it very well. But I'll keep trying...
You see, I don't want to be seen as someone who is fighting against all odds; who is triumphing against this horrible disease; that I will rise up and be a strong, stoic, square-jawed hero who has done what no one else before has accomplished!...No. I just want to be strong enough mentally to avoid slipping into a defeating depression.
My being consciously strong against the disease is only for me. I talk about how I'm doing so I don't internalize things. I use these dialogues to remind myself of what is important, and to continue doing what I must in order to keep my mind sharp, focused and ready for what still lies ahead.
If some people choose to think I'm merely inflating my sense of self importance, well, that's really their choice. I can't stop them from having those thoughts. But if they really know me, they know that I am not someone who puffs my chest and walks around full of my own self-importance.
So, I will continue on as I have, fighting the good fight so long as I am able. I will continue to accept all the thoughts and prayers thankfully sent my way...because without the support I get, this thing I'm going through would be awfully lonely, and incredibly more difficult.
(I still don't know that I'm explaining it very well, but I hope I've at least conveyed my point of view well enough for everyone to sort of understand my approach.)
Anyway, that's all I've got for today. Not the beginning to the week I was hoping for; but, it's only just started!
Good Health to All!
ScottW
No comments:
Post a Comment