Another Side of Chronic Illness

There is another side to this whole chronic illness thing that I don't believe I have addressed...how an illness such as this affects your spouse and family.

Yesterday, my wife had a meltdown day; something I quietly let her go through so that she keeps her sanity intact. Why? Because if I don't, her well-being comes into question. Remember, the spouse of any chronic patient no longer shares the duties and responsibilities of the household. The spouse is thrust into the role of caregiver, primary decision-maker, household income provider, and--depending on the type of illness or injury--full time caretaker of the house. Add on single parent, if children are present, as well.

As a chronic illness patient, it is our responsibility to help our spouse as much as we are physically able to do. If that means getting a little tired doing housework, taking care of kids, etc, then that's what we do. If they need to help pay bills, then discuss finances with your spouse, making a mutual decision on all expenditures, and then help with getting the bills paid. You must help your spouse whenever and however you are able.

This also includes patience when your wife or husband has a day or two when they are just worn out and need that rejuvenating mental break. They may get angry with you; they may curse at you; they may tell you that they have no hope that anything will ever change. When this happens, I suggest that you leave them alone--they'll likely demand this--and withhold any judgments or condemnations, allowing your spouse to vent and release that stress that has obviously built up. If you react negatively to this stress release, I guarantee that you will only make things worse.

Look at it this way...

If the roles were reversed and YOU needed to de-stress from all of the added responsibilities, how would you feel if your chronically ill spouse looked at you, shrugged their shoulders and told you to just suck it up. How would you react?

I know that everyone is built and programmed differently. But if we, as patients, ignore the well-being of our spouse, our lives will be negatively impacted in numerous ways. So on the good days, laugh, joke, enjoy each others' company, and share your thoughts and feelings as the opportunity arises. But on the bad days, give your spouse the space, the respect and the understanding they need so that they continue to be of service to you and your household. And if needed, get yourself and your spouse to group support meetings so that both of you can take advantage of any opportunities there, as well.

One thing I do for my wife is basically kick her out the door when she has chances to go do things with our [adult] kids or one of her friends. She needs to get away from the home--and taking care of me--as much as she can. She needs that time to do something normal without worrying about how I'm doing 24/7.

In these times she knows that I can always get a hold of her at any time. We both have cell phones with unlimited texting just in case I need to contact her when she's in a movie (for instance). Having this option helps my wife relax whenever she is away from the house for work, errands or when I kick her out to have some fun.

Lastly, I am of the opinion that while I can't get away from this illness, there is no reason why my wife can't get that much needed time away. Now, I realize that that is a redundant statement, but I am simply trying to hammer home the idea that your spouse needs the chance to have the mental break; so be sure they get it!